Monsters in the Wardrobe
by Rachael-Rose
Summary: More sheer Nine stupidity born out of chronic boredom :P Please RR etc... :D C2 courtesy of Membio :P Go to A Teaspoon And An Open Mind for C6, 'cause I'm not allowed to post it here :P
1. Chapter 1

"OH MY GOD!"

The scream seemed to echo right through the ship. Panic was the Doctor's initial reaction, and he hit his head scrambling out from beneath the console. He didn't get very far, though, before a very scared, very ruffled and, much to his embarrassment, very half-dressed Rose hurtled into the control room.

"Rose, what the Hell happened? Calm down!" She hadn't quite managed to stop in time, and was consequently now draped all over the Doctor, half standing, half on the floor, and still screaming.

"Wardrobe-there's a-oh, come look!"

A short walk later they were tiptoeing towards the door of the wardrobe, and the Doctor didn't really know why he had his sonic screwdriver held out. There couldn't possibly be anything on here that he'd need it against, could there?

"In there," Rose whispered, pointing round the door before hiding behind him, clinging to his jacket.

It took a few minutes, but eventually the Doctor found what had made Rose scream. He walked over to it, sighing, and poked it roughly, knocking it to the ground with a dull thud. Rose screamed again.

"Rose, it's plastic." He pulled a limb off for emphasis. "It's just a mannequin."

"I'll walk round the damn ship naked if I have to, I'm not going in there until you get rid of it."


	2. Chapter 2

At almost exactly the same time as yesterday, another scream reached the control room. This time, though, the Doctor was prepared for it, and continued calmly playing with something on the console when Rose burst in.

"Is that supposed be funny?"

"What?" The Doctor turned round and attempted to give Rose his best innocent smile. Seeing that this time she was dressed in nothing but a bath towel didn't do much for the innocent act, but he quickly picked his mouth up off the floor with an, "I don't know what you're talking about," and turned back to his work.

Rose reached for his jacket and spun him back round, exercising a veritable death grip on his collar as their noses almost touched.

"You got rid of the dummy, I'll give you that, but what on Earth is a life-size model of a Slitheen doing hiding in my clothes?"

The Doctor didn't reply, so Rose – impossibly, he'd have thought – yanked him even nearer.

"I told you. I'm not –"

"-going in there until I get rid of it," the Doctor finished, earning a raised eyebrow from his captor. "Suits me."


	3. Chapter 3

"At the mercy of a human in a towel. Whatever shall I do?"

Rose glared at him.

"Help!" the Doctor called out in a feeble voice, waving his arms noncommittally. "Oh, somebody, please help me!"

"Get rid of the Slitheen."

"I can think of better things to get rid of." The remark was so quite that Rose struggled to hear all of it, but she shook the Doctor rather violently nonetheless.

"What?"

"I said," he almost shouted this time, raising his eyes to the ceiling hopelessly, "that I can think of far better things to get rid of!"

Rose tried not to let the smirk develop. "Really? I doubt it." She screamed as she was spun through the air, swearing under her breath as she realised the knot in the towel had come loose. The grip on the Doctor's collar was lost, and now she was the one leant dangerously against the console.

He gave her a smug grin and raised his eyebrows in a fashion normally reserved for one of his 'you're being a stupid ape again' speeches. Rose attempted to glare at him and throw back a smart comment, but she was cut off abruptly.

"Doctor, that had damn well better be a banana in your pocket."


	4. Chapter 4

The Doctor let go of Rose for a moment to fumble in his pockets. Taking the opportunity to pull the towel back up from its rather dangerous position, she stared in disbelief as he pulled out a banana from his left pocket. Seeing the expression on her face, he looked vaguely amused.

"What? You said it yourself; there was a banana in my pocket. Bit squished, but it'll do." He peeled the banana and proceeded to take a rather large bite out of it. "What did you think I had in there?" he asked, his mouth full.

"N-nothing…" Rose watched as the Doctor continued eating, her eyes fixed on his mouth. _Bastard_, she thought as he insisted on doing obscene things to it with his tongue, all the while keeping the innocent look plastered across his face.

"You okay in there?" He waved a hand in front of her face, and she jumped, almost dropping the towel again. Ignoring whatever she was attempting to say, he leaned forward again and pushed a button on the console. Rose shifted uncomfortably. She thought she heard a laugh from behind her, but when the Doctor's face reappeared, he'd disposed of the banana skin and had an 'ok, where were we?' expression on, apparently unaware of how almost-naked she was.

"I don't suppose that was to get rid of the Slitheen in my clothes, was it?"

"No."

Rose could have screamed with impatience. "Get rid of it!"

"Why? We're not going anywhere."

She turned to point at the moving time rotor, but it was still. "What did you press that button for?" The Doctor shrugged. "Where are we then?"

"Sat on top of a comet. So I wouldn't go out there if I were you, not if you don't want to explode or anything."

Rose shot him a filthy look and marched towards the door at the back of the control room. "I'm going to get dressed. And you'd better get rid of that Slitheen before I get there."

The Doctor laughed as the door slammed behind her, waiting for the inevitable scream as he threw the large red towel over the captain's chair.


	5. Chapter 5

The scream didn't come. The Doctor was actually rather disappointed. He'd at least expected a well-placed kick to a wall or the door, but he didn't even get that. What he did get was three hours of numb silence, until finally he couldn't take anymore and went searching, towel in hand, with a suitably apologetic, puppy-dog look adopted for the purpose.

Rose wasn't in her room.

Nor was she in the library, the kitchen, the wardrobe, sulking in an overstuffed chair in the lounge, any of any number of gardens, or in any of at least a dozen rooms that didn't seem to have a purpose except to look pretty.

Twice as disappointed as before, he returned to the control room, managing to throw the towel back over the chair and get halfway to the console before noticing all the lights were out. A very faint glow managed to poke out from underneath the console, but it wasn't enough to see anything by except a few inches of floor. The overall effect was heavy, eerie and not without a certain element of danger.

Which was ridiculous, since they were inside the TARDIS.

They?

The Doctor gave a muffled shout as a hand clamped over his mouth, and a familiar voice muttered into his ear.

"I bet you think that was _really_ clever, don't you? Light please," the voice added, and a small spotlight flickered into life below their feet, and the Doctor felt himself being manoeuvred round to sit on edge of the console. The spotlight was throwing a weird glow upwards onto the scowling face of his captor as she held her arm out to cover his mouth.

"Rose, what are you doing?" Finally finding the strength to lift an arm, he brushed her hand away, noticing for the first time that the position he was in afforded him a fantastic view.

"I don't know how things work in your head, but where I come from, it's far more desirable to just say it. No stupid remarks and no scaring me shitless."

The Doctor was trying, really trying to come up with a smart reply, but all that escaped his ever-gaping mouth was, "Why are you wearing my jumper?" Because that, he saw, was all she seemed to be wearing – an oversized red jumper that left very little from the hips downwards to the imagination.

"There's a Slitheen in the cupboard," she drawled, smirking mentally at the complete lack of sense she seemed to be provoking. "I'm bored."

"Eh?"

Rose just raised her eyebrows at him, and moved closer. "Like I said, much better if you just come out and say things. So here goes, and forgive my being so forward, sir, but I've wanted to shag you senseless ever since I got on this ship."

That did it. The Doctor's mouth hit the floor completely and he shifted uncomfortably against the console, looking anywhere but at Rose, peering into the darkness as though it was the most interesting thing in the universe. She coughed lightly, reminding him of her presence, and he couldn't decide whether he was surprised or horrified to find her face inches from his when he turned back round.

"This banana thing is getting out of hand, Doctor." Rose glanced down and up quickly and stuck her tongue out at him, watching the reaction with amusement, before closing the last of the gap with a kiss that almost made the Doctor stumble and collapse underneath her.

Perhaps that wouldn't be so bad, he thought, and the thought was discarded almost immediately as he felt the rest of Rose move closer and practically grind his hips into the console. She pulled back and stared him in the eye, breathing heavily, and the Doctor found himself looking at her swollen lips for far longer than was probably decent. She laughed at the way his eyes were nearly coming out of his head, and he couldn't help throwing his most lopsided grin back.

"You need to be taught a lesson. Don't mess with Earth girls' heads."


End file.
